Rome was great. Suzanne suggested we rent a scooter, which we did. No need for any drivers licence in Italy up to 125 cc. We drove more than 85 kilometres within Rome in 3 days. We saw everything and enjoyed the Roman way of life to the max and the heavy traffic in Rome. At the end of the 3 day trip I drove more Roman than Roman do. I totally ignored my dietary requirements and enjoyed the Italian food in all aspects... anti-pasta, pasta, pizza, primi, secundi, fish, saltimbocca, truffle, ice cream (the best in the world - chocolate meringue!) and desserts. I even drank two small glasses of wine - Barolo off course! I brought back with us a big shopping bag full of Italian specialties, including some tomatoes, red pepper and truffle.
We returned Sunday afternoon and had the result appointment on Monday morning. I slept fine, still in my Roman blues. I was quite relax while awaiting the results. Within a minute while telling the doctor how many kilometres I had biked, skated and skied, she gave us the good news that all was stable. Normally she is very conservative and careful with her remarks, but this time she showed for the first time that she also is starting to believe in a miracle. She briefly mentioned that maybe in a few month time they could consider other avenues......is this light at the end of the tunnel? For the time being she was very clear not to change the winning strategy; i.e. we are proceeding as planned.
It is interesting to experience that although Suzanne and I were very relax beforehand, still in the Roman blues probably, underneath there was a lot of anxiety and stress. It all erupted afterwards.....suddenly we were in a stupid fight and before I knew it I was in the train heading home while Suzanne was in the car. Not something to be proud off. But the fact of life is that this disease causes a lot of stress in a relationship. We both experience it differently and more importantly, our feelings and anxiety will be different at any given point in time. Our feeling will not often be in sync. I can be in low while Suzanne is more stable or vice versa. The thing is that you will be protecting yourself and will be ensuring that you do not slip into the low together. We were there during the first few days and I can tell you it is devastating; as such you go in survival mode and do not want to go down at the same time. It is of course also very different for the patient and the care taker. In any event it is very strenuous on a relationship. Thank god (if there is one) that despite our ups and downs (which are clearly more caused by my volatile personality) we are also able to find time and space to level and share our feelings; to be positively in sync. This ensures that we are still able to enjoy life. It is easy to drift apart as a result of cancer. Unfortunately, it often happens that people split up after having recovered from it. I do not expect this to happen to us, but there is no free lunch in life, we will need to work on our relationship to ensure that it won't happen.
It might sound strange but I am sometimes getting very tired of my way of life. I am constantly trying to convince myself that I will not die. 62 rounds on the skating ring, 8000 metres of altitude difference on the ski slope, 32 km on natural ice and most recently 37 km on the mountain bike. Each time longer, harder and deeper. Not to convince you, but to convince myself; I will not die. I will win this fight. If I am at the top of world while riding my bike, skiing down the slope or skating on ice, I will not die. Even more, nobody around me will ever be able to grasp that I am doing this while having cancer. They don't know it and considering that I am overtaking them on my bike or on ice, or skiing smoother and quicker down the hill they will never expect it. If I sport alone I typically am shouting and screaming at the cancer while doing my thing. Most people that come across me will think "that guy is crazy". Although all the activity gives me a boost in endorphines, it is tiresome to always have to perform. I do not need to win from the people around me but I have to out beat myself. I have to win. My drive to live is fueled by my anxiety to die.
I am greatly jealous of you out there that are living my live that I always wanted to live. That's why I might not always sound that interested in your stories. I live in my own world. A very different one than yours. One full of drive, joy, stress, anxiety and cancer. That's my live. Your's feels like history for me for the time being.
This weekend it was my 39th birthday. Despite that Suzanne was sick (and is still in bed with flu) I enjoyed a great day with my family. We went to watch Ajax in the Amsterdam Arena with almost my entire family. They did not win but it was a great experience. I was a bit anxious to take my entire family to a place full of hooligans, but luckily we were sitting opposite the hard core fans instead of in their middle.
You can hear Oene cheering for the biggest Dutch soccer club!
Stay strong.
I will beat the statistics.
Berend
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